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Zuckerberg's important message on miscarriage

Story highlights

  • Mark Zuckerberg announced that his wife had three miscarriages while trying to get pregnant
  • Jodi Abbott, Eugene Declercq: We need to talk about pregnancy loss more; there is no shame in having a miscarriage

Jodi F. Abbott is vice chair for education at the Obstetrics and Gynecology Department, Boston University School of Medicine. Eugene Declercq, founder of Birth by the Numbers, is professor and assistant dean at Community Health Sciences Department, Boston University School of Public Health. The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of the authors.

(CNN)Recently, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced that he and his wife, Priscilla Chan, are going to have a baby girl.

In his public post that went viral, Zuckerberg wrote: "We want to share one experience to start. We've been trying to have a child for a couple of years and have had three miscarriages along the way. You feel so hopeful when you learn you're going to have a child. You start imagining who they'll become and dreaming of hopes for their future. You start making plans, and then they're gone. It's a lonely experience."

    Zuckerberg's frank admission of his wife's three miscarriages led to a vast outpouring of stories from women and families who have faced a similar situation.

    Millennials have become accustomed to posting their lives online, and yet, as they are coupling and starting families they are discovering that few experiences are as isolating as losing a desired pregnancy.

    Eugene Declercq
    Jodi F. Abbott

    On top of that, there is a certain stigma associated with miscarriages, as though it's the fault of the parents. But it isn't, and the stigma will be removed only if we talk about it more -- openly and honestly. There is no shame in having a miscarriage.

    A 2013 publication from Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimated that there were more than 1 million miscarriages (generally referring to pregnancy loss within the first trimester) in 2009. This does not include the more than 23,000 stillbirths (fetal losses after 20 weeks of pregnancy) that occur annually in the United States.

    Despite high-profile cases such as Jacqueline Kennedy, who experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth and the loss of a newborn child as well as two healthy children, the loneliness and stigma of miscarriage persists.

    Women who cope with losing their pregnancy invariably feel like they are the only ones who have ever suffered this kind of pain. But they are not alone.

    While only 1% of women experience more than one pregnancy loss, miscarriages are very common. Some 20% of women who deliver a child have had a prior miscarriage. Miscarriages are also more common as women age. So, as the age of first-time mothers in the United States has increased over the past 25 years, so have miscarriages.

    In the past, when American women had more pregnancies they were more likely to already have children. Miscarriages, when they happened, were more common to women who already had successful pregnancies.

    Today, with women starting families later and having fewer children, part of the distress that women who lose pregnancies now experience is their emotional conviction that they are broken and won't be able to ever have a family.

    American women also now less often live near their mothers, sisters, aunts and cousins. It's likely that they haven't been present and aware when these women lost pregnancies or don't have physical and emotional support for their losses. As education and jobs take women away from their extended families, the collective and familial knowledge of both successful and unsuccessful pregnancies can be lost.

    The good news for couples who have experienced miscarriage is that an isolated miscarriage does not lower the rate of successful pregnancy in the future, and even those with recurrent miscarriages are most likely going to have healthy children.

    Suffering a miscarriage doesn't have to be an isolating experience. There are opportunities to build online communities that can help women share their experiences of loss as well as celebrate their joy of a healthy pregnancy.

    The decision of Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan to share this very personal experience is a valuable step forward in starting a public discussion about the issue. We need to raise awareness that pregnancy loss is part of millions of women's reproductive lives. Women don't have to feel devastated and alone when they experience such a loss.

    And when all goes well, we can all appreciate the exquisite miracle of giving birth to a healthy child.

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        48 comments
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        SKATE1SunkingmiscreantallmkjpJoazonaSkadi1pmalteboatrockerAndrew SchlegelGrand Musai

         

        Joazona

        Is there any hope left for the USA? what happened to us? I am not commenting on this story. I can't find any other places to make comments so using this one. Why did they stop the ability to make comments in most of the stories? 

        pmalte

        @Joazona  Because some abused the privilege of commenting so egregiously that they abolished the boards entirely. Very sad.

        Joazona

        why are comments not allowed on the headline reports? Why can't we call out opinions etc on the debate last night? 

        Joazona

        shame? This is nature doing its thing. 

        boatrocker

        @Joazona No, it's not. There are many reasons for miscarriage, and they're MEDICAL, not "natural selection." This is one of the cruelest, most hurtful things a couple who has miscarried hears. Infertility and miscarriage are not "nature saying no" to parenthood. If that were true, abusive parents wouldn't be able to breed.


        This is a family death, and should be treated as such. If you can't do that, then have the courtesy not to say anything to them at all.

        miscreantall

        Shame in having a miscarriage? I have never witnessed that in the USA.


        Grief? yes

        Inadequacy (female)? yes

        Helplessness (male)? yes


        Perhaps this shame thing is connected to his wife's cultural background?

        mkjp

        @miscreantall A friend of mine miscarried several years ago and other people were telling her that is was clearly because she didn't know the second she conceived and therefore likely drank wine between conception and learning she was pregnant.  I think the shame happens more than anyone cares to admit.

        Amarjit Sehmi

        I have two friends on fb. Both had 2 miscarriages each and delivered a baby and another awaited. I have seen many such cases in my Hospital Management Career and miss carriage certainly is not desperate situation. Only consultancy should be sought from O & G Slpecialist and other precautions.

        boatrocker

        @Amarjit Sehmi "Not a desperate situation"? There are many reasons for miscarriage, and some women never manage to carry to term. Ask the woman who miscarried if it wasn't desperately hurtful to HER. Your kind of remark is another of the well-meaning but hurtful things.

        Sima12

        How odd. I have never had the perception that miscarriage of a pregnancy was anything to judge or feel ashamed of; only that it's something tragic and heartbreaking. I am surprised to read here that some people would feel that way. Miscarriages occur among mammals throughout nature for many reasons, it's not a personal failing.

        Sunking

        @Sima12 No kidding. the thought that someone would think anything other than sympathy for their loss is boggling.

        pmalte

        @Sima12  I had a normal pregnancy except for one day early on, when I worried that I might be miscarrying. It suddenly hit me that I had a little human being inside me whose life might be on the line. My pregnancy instantly turned from a lighthearted celebration to a serious concern. I had taken it for granted that I would have a normal pregnancy, delivery and child. Suddenly I had to look at the reality that my destiny was not in my hands. Fortunately, I actually did have an easy, normal pregnancy and delivery, and my beautiful child is now 36 years old. But I feel to this day such a sense of empathy for parents confronting that wall and realizing that their dearest hopes might not come true, this time..

        rhope

        People are so easily offended - judging from comments below. Not sure why...

        shadzof gray

        Not every conception goes according to plan. Sometimes this is natures way of saying  "please try again". Keep trying.

        boatrocker

        @shadzof gray That's another cruel remark. This is a family death, and should be treated as such. yes, sometimes the woman miscarries a fetus that can't survive - but there are long list of other reasons. it's a MEDICAL condition. Please do not belittle the woman's grief.


        Miscarriages are NOT "natural selection" or some crazy way of the universe that decides who should have children. If that were true, abusive parents wouldn't be able to reproduce.


        PLEASE have the courtesy to keep such thoughts to yourself, and don't express them to the woman. They are NOT helpful, and you may well lose a friend as well as hurt her terribly.

        comments4um

        I have never heard of miscarriage being considered as shameful... where did he ever get that idea?  In another quote he said something about being tolerant... what is there to be tolerant about?  No one has done anything wrong or shameful or offensive.  I don't even understand where he is coming from with his choice of words.  Miscarriage is a sad loss; parents grieve, those who are close to them grieve and offer support.  Shame and intolerance does not fit into that picture for me.

        BlackBriar

        @comments4um     'comments4' -  literally, you make a fair point.  But it's pretty clear that the 'shame and intolerance' identifies the garbage that those who do not understand bring to the issue.


        Society seems to treat Miscarriage as something Shameful and it is the 'average' response of others that is 'Intolerant':  Women tell the same story over and over about how when they dare to share this highly personal news with a friend, they are often treated as if it is 'No big deal' and certainly 'Not the same as actually losing a Baby'.


        The RESPONSE that seems to be normal in America, that Society seems to support, is what is Shameful and Intolerant...

        response2cnn

        "American women also now less often live near their mothers, sisters, aunts and cousins."

        This is really offensive - women only care about miscarriages?  My husband took off work to stay with me after I had a miscarriage.  He cried with me.  Too much talk about women's rights when men's rights get trampled on all the time.

        mouselol

        @response2cnn the author was remarking about women not men.  He wasn't trying to offend anyone. They were just giving facts. I'm sorry you went through this and I hope you try again for a baby.

        Anna Snyder

        @response2cnn  Well, the point the author was making is that when women go through a miscarriage, it used to be they were close to other female family members who they could share their experience with.  PS Men's rights are not being trampled all the time. It's only offensive to state a truth if you're offended by the truth.

        pmalte

        @response2cnn 

        Yes, a father-to-be suffers with a miscarriage as well --- not only for his own hopes of being a parent, but for the pain and fear his wife feels too, as well as the realization that there's nothing he can do to fix this. Men are often called upon to be the strong and comforting one when they are torn up inside too.

        Jason Glugla

        It is good that we have billionaires to explain things to us.

        John Smith

        Some things should be private/friends and family. This is the problem with his generation in no small part created by Facebook.

        J Daff

        @John Smith 


        Actually NO, it should NOT be private. Women, and men, need to know and understand that they are NOT the only ones and that what they are feeling is natural.

        Keeping it secret is the WORST thing done.

        response2cnn

        @J Daff @John Smith Uh, no, people should have a choice to keep a m/c secret.  Vomiting your personal life to the world, or even your close family and friends, should be your choice, not a mandate.


        How dare you think that your right-to-know outweighs my and my husband's right to grieve in our own way?

        mouselol

        @response2cnn @J Daff @John Smith ok everyone take a breath.  Everyone handles things like this in their own way.  Some keep it private while others speak about it, which does help those who have gone through it.

        I do talk about m/c but not in detail.

        BlackBriar

        @John Smith  -


        John Smith, please consider that part of the entire Point is that it is never Private.  Is it Private when a baby dies from SIDS?  Not often - just like a Pregnancy, already having a Baby that then dies is KNOWN TO EVERYONE in your lives, and yet Miscarriage is treated completely differently and that is a problem.


        The message seems always to be:  'Losing a Baby to SIDS is horrible and warrants to be treated for what it is:  The horrible Tragedy of the death of your child!  But when it is a Miscarriage, the message is completely different and, like your Comment, part of that message is  "Hush.  This is Private, to be kept secret and NOT Talked About!'

        Sima12

        @John Smith Why should it be private if someone wants to share their experience for their own healing and the benefit of others? Your attitude only serves to reinforce the stigma.

        soterphile

        if you tell women "it's just a fetus/tissue/wad of cells", don't be surprised when they are unable to grieve a miscarriage for what it actually is: the loss of a child. you can't have it both ways.

        Anna Snyder

        @soterphile  Yeah, because no woman who has ever had an abortion and got on with their lives, only to have a miscarriage later, has a right to feel sad and grieve. Spare us all your false dichotomy.

        soterphile

        @Anna Snyder I didn't say you shouldn't grieve. I said it's inconsistent with what you CLAIM to believe. Is it a child or a lump of cells? as someone who believes it's a child, i think BOTH should be grieved deeply. or do you believe it's only a child when it's a miscarriage? that's the false dichotomy.

        so what does your grieving tell you? is it a baby or a lump of cells? 

        mkjp

        @soterphile @Anna Snyder You fail to understand the difference between a wanted pregnancy and an unwanted pregnancy.  The emotions are different. and probably always complicated.

        stumpage1918

        What kind of a single-cell minded creature "thinks" that a miscarriage is the parent's fault?

        boatrocker

        @stumpage1918 Lots of them do. They tell the couple "this is nature saying no" and "you weren't meant to be a mother." It's heartless and cruel. Nature doesn't decide who breeds - or we wouldn't have child abusers.

        Kimberly Campbell

        CNN - Thank you for posting this. I truly appreciate it - miscarriage isn't often discussed and there is a responsibility to raise awareness. However, I'm struck at your last sentence - referring to the exquisite miracle of giving birth. Isn't there a little cognitive dissonance in this and your apparent non-coverage (at least on the home page) of the PP videos? Really? Even when the video yesterday included a tiny hand of an 18-week old being held by tweezers? So sometimes it's an exquisite miracle and sometimes it's...what would you even call that? 

        Do us a favor please - give us the news. These videos, whether you like them or not, and the resulting conversation are news. Please, for the sake of journalism.

        Marco Russo

        I had a couple of friends who had to go through the same painful situation and they're happy Mark Zuckerberg and his wife 'broke the taboo'. And I agree with them. Talking about problems helps overcome them much easier, so this is a situation where being 'social' is not only ok but is also encouraged.


        #SocialBaby

         

        turtle8529

        So CNN will cover this story and call child birth an "exquisite miracle", but not cover the Planned Parenthood story? Miscarriages are bad and sad, but when you choose to butcher your child in the womb, that's ok? SMH.

        response2cnn

        @turtle8529 "butcher"?  Do you believe in Stand Your Ground laws?  If so, there is no reason not to believe in abortion rights.

        soterphile

        @response2cnn abortions due to the mother's life being at risk are a rare exception (along with ra.pe & incest accounting for less than 1% of abortions). the other 99% is belated birth control (at best) which ends a human life. let's not compare that with killing someone in self-defense.

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