Dating an INFJ & exhausted.

**Crimson Crisp** · 03-02-2010, 05:05 PM

I've been dating an INFJ for a couple months now and I have to say - I'm exhausted. He's a GREAT guy, we connect on many, many levels, have sooooo many common interests. I've never had such great conversations and sexual chemistry with someone BUT...

I feel like I'm constantly being asked to confirm my interest in him. Well, maybe not exactly constantly, but nearly on a weekly basis he needs to "check" and make sure I'm still interested. I'm a very busy person. I'm a double major honors student who works very hard to keep my scholarships, and I am very actively involved with my dog (training, hobbies, etc.). I often get busy with other demanding aspects of my life and am required to focus heavily on those things. During these times is when he gets concerned and begins to ask why I'm being distant. *sigh* I'm not distant. At least, as far as I'm concerned, I'm not distant. I'm still me, I'm still interested in him, everything's the same for me every day since I met him. Period.

Example - last week I had a major project I was working on for school. It took up the vast majority of my free time. We didn't really spend much time together and I was very upfront with him leading into that week that I wouldn't be able to give him much time/attention. He supposedly understood, was supportive, yada, yada, yada. Then last weekend when I was finally free (done with the project) he seemed really busy so we didn't spend any time together. Fine. I had no problems with that, we both have lives. Then Monday night he calls and says I've been distant and asks if I'm wanting to break up. WTF? I laughed. It came out of nowhere from my perspective. That's when he told me he was "giving me my space" last weekend...uh, I didn't ask for space. I just thought he was busy because that's what he told me all weekend. I thought we'd already covered the whole - I'm not ignoring you, I have other obligations - thing and then he still manages to feel ignored???? I truly do really like this guy - a LOT. But OMG, I'm worn out.

Anyone else dating an INFJ that can relate?

**Grimstad** · 03-02-2010, 05:23 PM

I've been with my INFJ GF for 25 years. It never really goes away completely. One of the most loving individuals I have ever met but can't seem to grasp that the love flows towards her too. I don't show it the same way but it's there. A ball of insecurity. Better give it a lot of time before making a lifetime comitment. Unless you are head over heels like I was.

**Mogura** · 03-02-2010, 05:28 PM

In relationships, INFJs seek a deep emotional connection. This is one of their greatest strengths, as well as one of their greatest weaknesses. Also, INFJs idealize how a relationship "should be", so they tend to generate a scenario in their heads (or hearts) where they are getting as much emotional feedback they are giving.

Your NT is conflicting with his NF. You both need to meet somewhere in the middle. Throw him a bone. Give him the emotional feedback he is seeking. You don't have to plan a romantic weekend getaway in the Maldives, but send him a text now and then, saying that you're busy with this and that, and that you're thinking about him and you miss him. Cost: 3-5 minutes of your time. Benefit: Priceless (to an INFJ).

Also, you need to sit down with him and calmly explain your situation. Explain that you are busy, etc., and explain that you're probably not as emotionally touchy-feely as he would like you to be. But tell him that just because you're not emotionally touchy-feely on his terms does not mean that you do not care about him nor your committment to him is any less.

Ultimately, he needs to understand that "space" does not equal "I don't love you anymore". You may have to have these talks 2-3 times, but if he's a reasonable sort he should "get it".

Hope it all works out...

**ArtistTyrant** · 03-02-2010, 05:40 PM

i see it as a communication thing, and as Mogura said, doing small things that could mean a lot to him, and talking to him about your relationship and how you care, etc., is important

also, try hugging him more, is just a thought that popped into my head

**AnimalEssence** · 03-02-2010, 05:55 PM

I've never had this problem with mine, but I'm not nearly as busy as you are. I'm also unsure of your guy's history, but if he's had failed relationships in the past, then its likely to make him a bit more paranoid than normal. Mine has never experienced heartbreak, somebody going back on "I love you", on that commitment, so he's pretty secure. I can only recall one time where he got suddenly paranoid and I don't remember why, but he at least came right out and said something and asked for reassurance instead of playing the "You're being distant/I'm giving you space" game.

You might want to consider setting aside some time to spend together. Put it in your schedule that every week you'll spend some time on the phone, or go to lunch every sunday. Maybe try to get more involved in his life and make an effort to involve him more in yours. If you both have homework or a project to do, can you do it in the same room without being distracted? Little gestures will also go a long way, like the ones Mogura suggested...A simple text or email or something to say I miss you. Maybe you saw something or somebody said something that reminded you of him and made you smile...He would love nothing more than to hear about that.

**Crimson Crisp** · 03-02-2010, 06:09 PM

Thanks for the responses.

He has had failed relationships in the past, but he has ended most of them when he feels they're not right or not working. So, the general consensus is that I need to make more of an effort to reach out to him. I can do that. I think he's worth it so far, I'm just a little worn out with thinking everything's great only to find out I've hurt his feelings because he thinks I've ignored him.

Mogura - you're an INFJ, riddle me this - why do you think he's not just telling me he wants to see me when he feels that way, rather than waiting around to see if I react on my own like he wants me to? I asked him and he said he doesn't want to put pressure on me...but I feel more pressure when I've unknowingly hurt someone I care about than if he'd just say "I'd like to see you today."

**Mogura** · 03-02-2010, 06:17 PM

	Originally Posted by Crimson Crisp To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Mogura - you're an INFJ, riddle me this - why do you think he's not just telling me he wants to see me when he feels that way, rather than waiting around to see if I react on my own like he wants me to? I asked him and he said he doesn't want to put pressure on me...but I feel more pressure when I've unknowingly hurt someone I care about than if he'd just say "I'd like to see you today."

He wants to feel needed by you. He wants to hear from you that you want to see him. He wants to see you take the emotional initiative on some things, so he'll know that you're just as committed to the relationship as he is. These things are extremely important to an INFJ.

I've done this myself, time and time again. Believe me, it will mellow out given some time...

	Originally Posted by Crimson Crisp To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	So, the general consensus is that I need to make more of an effort to reach out to him. I can do that. I think he's worth it so far, I'm just a little worn out with thinking everything's great only to find out I've hurt his feelings because he thinks I've ignored him.

All relationships have some element of give and take. The more flexible you are with this concept, the more successful the relationship will be.

It's kind of hard to judge whether he does this out of insecurity, or an INFJ's need to reaffirm the the status of the relationship continually in the beginning ("Yes, everything is fine!").

I know I've probably driven some exes batty with my "Do you still love me?" questions. Time will tell...

**Crimson Crisp** · 03-02-2010, 06:33 PM

I completely agree with the give and take concept you mentioned. I've had other fairly successful relationships - they ended because they each ran their course in their own way. I guess I've just never encountered someone requiring so much emotional feedback. I will try to put forth more effort to reaffirm our relationship for him, it just doesn't come naturally to me. I'm kind of a "no news = good news" person. He doesn't seem to be insecure...he's phenomenally intelligent, has many of his own interests, friends, attractive, etc.

So how often should I be reaffirming the relationship for the time being? Schedules work better for me, so maybe every couple of days make a point to bring it up??? And when I say schedules, I don't literally mean, every 3rd day at 2:58 p.m. I should mention how great he is and how happy I am. I just need a general idea of how often he might be happy to hear it out of me.

Geez, all this sounds like things I should be asking him, but he acts like he wants me to just know this stuff so he gives vague answers or says something like, "Don't worry about it/me. You have enough going on." And then when I don't worry about it, it's a problem. Ah!! LOL I really don't mean to complain about him either - he's a great guy. Seriously.

**sms444** · 03-02-2010, 06:44 PM

	Originally Posted by Crimson Crisp To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Mogura - you're an INFJ, riddle me this - why do you think he's not just telling me he wants to see me when he feels that way, rather than waiting around to see if I react on my own like he wants me to?

I'm not Mogura, nor am I an INFJ, but I dated one for years, so I've seen this before.

When one says "I was giving you space (but I really wanted so see you)"

it nearly always translates to:

"I was hoping that you wanted to see me badly enough that you would initiate contact without my prompting, therefore reaffirming how special and loved I am and how often you think about me."

EDIT: beaten to the punch again, I see!

**Crimson Crisp** · 03-02-2010, 06:51 PM

Originally Posted by sms444
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I'm not Mogura, nor am I an INFJ, but I dated one for years, so I've seen this before.

When one says "I was giving you space (but I really wanted so see you)"

it nearly always translates to:

"I was hoping that you wanted to see me badly enough that you would initiate contact without my prompting, therefore reaffirming how special and loved I am and how often you think about me."

EDIT: beaten to the punch again, I see!

LOL!! That seems so ridiculous but I guess if that's what works for him...then so be it.

sms444, so you dated an INFJ for years...past tense, I see. What did you find were the biggest problems/conflicts in the relationship?

**Mogura** · 03-02-2010, 06:54 PM

Originally Posted by Crimson Crisp
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I completely agree with the give and take concept you mentioned. I've had other fairly successful relationships - they ended because they each ran their course in their own way. I guess I've just never encountered someone requiring so much emotional feedback. I will try to put forth more effort to reaffirm our relationship for him, it just doesn't come naturally to me. I'm kind of a "no news = good news" person. He doesn't seem to be insecure...he's phenomenally intelligent, has many of his own interests, friends, attractive, etc.

So how often should I be reaffirming the relationship for the time being? Schedules work better for me, so maybe every couple of days make a point to bring it up??? And when I say schedules, I don't literally mean, every 3rd day at 2:58 p.m. I should mention how great he is and how happy I am. I just need a general idea of how often he might be happy to hear it out of me.

Don't take on all of the responsibility for maintaining the relationship. He needs to meet you halfway, meaning he needs to not freak out if he doesn't hear from you every 6 hours, etc.

My advice to you would be to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with him over this matter. Set some expectations that the both of you find mutually reasonable and commit to them (i.e., follow-through)...

	Originally Posted by Crimson Crisp To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Geez, all this sounds like things I should be asking him, but he acts like he wants me to just know this stuff so he gives vague answers or says something like, "Don't worry about it/me. You have enough going on." And then when I don't worry about it, it's a problem. Ah!! LOL I really don't mean to complain about him either - he's a great guy. Seriously.

Yeah, you can't expect INFJs to be literal all of the time.

Since you've already figured out his pattern, now you know what to expect, and what he expects. All that needs to be done is to meet those expectations (or re-set them upon mutual disccussion and agreement if those expectations are not to your liking)...

**AnimalEssence** · 03-02-2010, 06:57 PM

Haha oh I'm sure he is, INFJ's are great =)

He's either insecure or just feeling neglected at times, its hard to tell. I tell my INFJ that I love him and reaffirm how much I care multiple times a day, often at random. So with us, its pretty constant. I think he would flip out a little at this point if I went to bed or left without saying I love you. But I do make it a point to remind him constantly how much he means to me and on my own initiative and he loves it.

Its probably a lot more mushy than your INTJ self might be comfortable with XD But thats just how we are together. It keeps him happy and if he's happy and feeling secure, then I'm happy. It might just take you some time and practice to find a happy medium and get to a point where you are both comfortable.

I do remember I had to specifically talk to him about texting. That if I don't reply right away, its ok, I'm not mad at you, I'm not trying to ignore you, I'm not upset, I probably either don't have my phone near me, or I'm driving or right in the middle of doing something and I can't reply. That was a bit hard for him at first because he automatically thought worst case scenario, but it did mellow out and he knows if I don't reply right away, it really is because I'm driving or doing something that prevents me from replying.

**Indubitably** · 03-02-2010, 06:59 PM

Yeah, I've had this sort of thing become an issue too. I really liked the girl, but she wanted constant attention, it was like every moment we we spent together had to be 100% concentrated on interaction or she would become very upset. It got to the point where I couldn't stay over at her place because she couldn't handle me "ignoring" her to sleep, and would purposely keep me awake. Not all INFJs are this bad about it though, they like you to pay attention to them, and remind them that they are important to you, but its not usually something you need to do constantly unless they have some serious issues.

**Crimson Crisp** · 03-02-2010, 07:25 PM

Originally Posted by AnimalEssence
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Haha oh I'm sure he is, INFJ's are great =)

He's either insecure or just feeling neglected at times, its hard to tell. I tell my INFJ that I love him and reaffirm how much I care multiple times a day, often at random. So with us, its pretty constant. I think he would flip out a little at this point if I went to bed or left without saying I love you. But I do make it a point to remind him constantly how much he means to me and on my own initiative and he loves it.

Its probably a lot more mushy than your INTJ self might be comfortable with XD But thats just how we are together. It keeps him happy and if he's happy and feeling secure, then I'm happy. It might just take you some time and practice to find a happy medium and get to a point where you are both comfortable.

I do remember I had to specifically talk to him about texting. That if I don't reply right away, its ok, I'm not mad at you, I'm not trying to ignore you, I'm not upset, I probably either don't have my phone near me, or I'm driving or right in the middle of doing something and I can't reply. That was a bit hard for him at first because he automatically thought worst case scenario, but it did mellow out and he knows if I don't reply right away, it really is because I'm driving or doing something that prevents me from replying.

OMG - several times a day, huh? Well, I guess if I'm always telling him, then it will become harder to forget or get distracted. Wow. Maybe I'll start small and just try to make a point at least once a day.

I can completely relate with the texting situation. I've already had that discussion with him. We agreed that when I'm busy I will try to let him know before hand and that way he doesn't think I'm lying in a ditch, covered in petrol, on fire if I don't immediately respond. It's required some effort on my part anyway though because its nothing for me to read a text from someone and then just set my phone down because I don't feel like responding or I don't think the text requires a response...he really doesn't get that. So I'm trying to be more responsive in general.

This is all new to me. Basically, the fact that I'm spending any time with him and have confirmed the relationship at all means he's of great importance. I wouldn't waste my time on someone I didn't care about. He, apparently, does not see it this way. LOL

**Mogura** · 03-02-2010, 07:36 PM

	Originally Posted by Crimson Crisp To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Basically, the fact that I'm spending any time with him and have confirmed the relationship at all means he's of great importance. I wouldn't waste my time on someone I didn't care about. He, apparently, does not see it this way. LOL

This.

It's obvious that you both care about each other, but you each have your own "love language" in how you communicate your love and care to each other and how you expect love and care to be communicated to each of you.

Just bridge the gap and you're golden...

**AnimalEssence** · 03-02-2010, 07:49 PM

I thought it might be a bit on the mushy side for ya XD

But like I said, thats just how we are and the relationship is stable and we're both happy. We've both adapted to each other and have gotten "love languages" and needs all sorted out. What works for us may not work for you completely, so it might take some trial and error to figure out out, especially when INFJ's aren't always up front with their needs. I'm ENTP, you're INTJ, we're going to have some differences in how we handle and deal with the touchy feely sides of the relationship and of our INFJ mates.

Have you ever taken the love languages quiz? If not, you can take it here:

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And you could have him take it as well, or try to figure it out yourself. It might be helpful in bridging the communication gap and figuring out needs. So if he scores high in words of affirmation, then it would be beneficial for you to take more time to verbally express your love and care for him. Or if he scores high in quality time, then what will make him feel secure is some one on one time.

I'm far from being a romantic, but its something I'm learning to appreciate. I've never gotten so many flowers in one year in my life LOL.

**Crimson Crisp** · 03-02-2010, 08:34 PM

"Love language" is a brand new concept for me. Thanks. I'm definitely going to ask him to take the quiz, too.

This thread has made me more confident about our relationship. I was really getting exasperated with him. He's phenomenal in every way, I just couldn't figure out how I'm continually hurting him when I'm doing nothing wrong (from my perspective). Hopefully I can avoid any more of him surprising me by asking if I want to break-up or unknowingly being given space because he assumes I want it. I have to say - we both laughed Monday night when I told him I seriously just thought he was busy last weekend. So at least he found it funny too. Although I don't think he thought it was nearly as funny as I did when he told me today that I have an "inability to be normal and share". I can't help myself sometimes - I found that hysterical. I'm laughing again now, just writing about it. Anyway...so I need to reach out to him more and he needs to chill out a little. Here's hoping its as simple in reality as it is to write it.

**aninfjgirl** · 03-03-2010, 06:28 PM

WOW... Several times a day?! I'm an INFJ and although I would absolutely love my INTJ to pay that much attention to me, I know he has a life outside of me. I think everyone is giving you great advice... Just be direct with him and let him know how you show affection. Also let him know that unless you flat out tell him you don't like him anymore, he has nothing to worry about.

It took some getting used to when we first started dating (2 years ago) but now we know each other pretty well. I think it's because we talk openly about everything and there's no bullshit. Part of the reason is because he told me flat out when we started dating that he can't read "signals" and needs that from me. And if I have a bad day and feel like I need him to say something romantic, I let him know.

I probably get one or two "reassuring" comments a week... plus him saying "i love you" whenever we say goodbye, and that works just fine for me. He never responds to my text messages, but that doesn't bother me either b/c I know how he works. I guess my point is, if you guys talk about things and you explain to him how you show you care (by being around him) and meet somewhere in the middle, you'll be fine. I think it will get easier for you.

Oh, and if you ever tell him how you took the time to write to an online forum about all of this, you're golden. He'll see it as you going out of your way to understand him and make the relationship better.
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**AnimalEssence** · 03-03-2010, 07:43 PM

You guys make it seem like I'm spoiling him with affection XD Maybe I do, idk. I've never felt overwhelmed or exhausted from it. I guess being an extrovert I have a much higher threshold.

**Crimson Crisp** · 03-03-2010, 11:04 PM

We JUST had the conversation AGAIN tonight that I operate like "no news = good news." If I don't say something is wrong then he should consider everything to be great, grand, wonderful. AGAIN tonight he had a minor freak out session because I didn't respond to his texts immediately showering him with love/affection/reassurance. I was in a 5-hour Genetics lecture and lab tonight - got home at 10 p.m. He started texting me the minute he knew I was getting out of class. I drove home, ate, let my dog out, yada, yada, yada...by the time I sit down to text him back he's asking if we should break up and he needs to just swear off women...WHOA. That's exactly what I texted back. WHOA. And then I called him and talked him down off the ledge, or rather let him freak out down off the ledge...

He says its because he's conditioned by past relationships...well, I've had past relationships too but I'm not dumping any assumptions on him based on ex's. I am really trying to work through whatever is going on with him lately but I have a lot of pressure in my life right now from school. I have an 85-station zoology mid-term lab practical tomorrow, I'm working on a fruit fly mating lab for my genetics class (as well as probability lab project for the same class)...I'm just busy. I asked him tonight what he needs from me and he said nothing. WTF nothing? Nothing?! He said we just need to be able to communicate and talk through "these things." I honestly have no f*cking idea what "these things" are and I told him that. He never clarified. He just said it was fine, blah, blah, blah...I'm starting to wonder how many times we're going to have to "talk through these things" though. I have a no bullsh*t policy for any relationship I'm in (platonic or romantic) and my patience is REALLY wearing thin with what seems to be (to me anyway) unnecessary drama.

I need a beer.

**JohnDoe** · 03-03-2010, 11:20 PM

Is it too much just to text back can't talk right now, will later or something along those lines? If you like him, is this too much? He needs to chill out, but I think you need to get over your aversion to communicating in the moment.

It almost seems like from the way you describe your communications that your boyfriend has to schedule an appointment just to communicate with you, and this is also "not good." If someone I was dating consistently blew off my texts and only replied when they found a timeblock in their schedule, I'd very quickly start wondering exactly how important I was to them that they couldn't find time to tap out a few words on a keyboard. And you had time, and he almost certainly knows you had the time. I give random acquaintances better communication responses then you do your boyfriend. I mean, I'm a workaholic too, but you need to learn how to be a workaholic and have a little work/life balance. The world will not end if you send a single text message.

**Crimson Crisp** · 03-03-2010, 11:31 PM

JohnDoe - you have a very valid point. The thing is, I do respond. He texted me all day while I was studying and I replied all day. When I say he texted all day, I mean he literally sent me around 100 texts today. Tonight after class from the time he first texted me to when I texted him back about 30 minutes had passed.

I fully admit that I am not a big communicator. I hate talking on the phone and I actually prefer texting because I find it much easier for reasons such as, I am busy and don't always have time for a phone conversation. But someone can text me and I can get back to them when I have a minute. I'm trying to be understanding of his needs but I'm really having trouble figuring it all out right now. He seems all over the place. I ask him a direct question and he responds with a non-answer and then gets upset the next day about I don't know what because he won't just say it...

I'm open to any and all criticism and suggestions for improvement. Really.

**JohnDoe** · 03-03-2010, 11:37 PM

	Originally Posted by Crimson Crisp To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	JohnDoe - you have a very valid point. The thing is, I do respond. He texted me all day while I was studying and I replied all day. When I say he texted all day, I mean he literally sent me around 100 texts today. Tonight after class from the time he first texted me to when I texted him back about 30 minutes had passed.

Oh. Those would be material details. He seems a bit clingy and insecure then.

I fully admit that I am not a big communicator. I hate talking on the phone and I actually prefer texting because I find it much easier for reasons such as, I am busy and don't always have time for a phone conversation. But someone can text me and I can get back to them when I have a minute. I'm trying to be understanding of his needs but I'm really having trouble figuring it all out right now. He seems all over the place. I ask him a direct question and he responds with a non-answer and then gets upset the next day about I don't know what because he won't just say it...

I'm open to any and all criticism and suggestions for improvement. Really.

I have no idea. INFJ's can be and frequently are extraordinarily clingy. The INFJ's on this board tend to self select because most of us are in very INTJish roles in some part of our lives. About the only thing I might be able to suggest is to start telling him when he gives you a non-answer that your trying to understand but you can't and would he try to explain it to you more. And then just listen (and be prepared to get a very stream of conscious answer).

**Crimson Crisp** · 03-03-2010, 11:50 PM

LOL - A stream of conscious answer. Yes. I have witnessed this often with him on other subjects. Thanks for the insight. I'll just push him a little more for specifics when he tries to give me another non-answer like, "It's fine" when he has clearly made an issue of something.

**Mogura** · 03-04-2010, 01:26 AM

	Originally Posted by Crimson Crisp To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	JohnDoe - you have a very valid point. The thing is, I do respond. He texted me all day while I was studying and I replied all day. When I say he texted all day, I mean he literally sent me around 100 texts today. Tonight after class from the time he first texted me to when I texted him back about 30 minutes had passed.

He can't keep up that feverish pace forever. Texting gets old. Real. Quick.

03-02-2010, 05:05 PM	#1
Crimson Crisp New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 22	I've been dating an INFJ for a couple months now and I have to say - I'm exhausted. He's a GREAT guy, we connect on many, many levels, have sooooo many common interests. I've never had such great conversations and sexual chemistry with someone BUT... I feel like I'm constantly being asked to confirm my interest in him. Well, maybe not exactly constantly, but nearly on a weekly basis he needs to "check" and make sure I'm still interested. I'm a very busy person. I'm a double major honors student who works very hard to keep my scholarships, and I am very actively involved with my dog (training, hobbies, etc.). I often get busy with other demanding aspects of my life and am required to focus heavily on those things. During these times is when he gets concerned and begins to ask why I'm being distant. sigh I'm not distant. At least, as far as I'm concerned, I'm not distant. I'm still me, I'm still interested in him, everything's the same for me every day since I met him. Period. Example - last week I had a major project I was working on for school. It took up the vast majority of my free time. We didn't really spend much time together and I was very upfront with him leading into that week that I wouldn't be able to give him much time/attention. He supposedly understood, was supportive, yada, yada, yada. Then last weekend when I was finally free (done with the project) he seemed really busy so we didn't spend any time together. Fine. I had no problems with that, we both have lives. Then Monday night he calls and says I've been distant and asks if I'm wanting to break up. WTF? I laughed. It came out of nowhere from my perspective. That's when he told me he was "giving me my space" last weekend...uh, I didn't ask for space. I just thought he was busy because that's what he told me all weekend. I thought we'd already covered the whole - I'm not ignoring you, I have other obligations - thing and then he still manages to feel ignored???? I truly do really like this guy - a LOT. But OMG, I'm worn out. Anyone else dating an INFJ that can relate?
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03-02-2010, 05:23 PM	#2
Grimstad Member [08%] MBTI: ESTP Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 329	I've been with my INFJ GF for 25 years. It never really goes away completely. One of the most loving individuals I have ever met but can't seem to grasp that the love flows towards her too. I don't show it the same way but it's there. A ball of insecurity. Better give it a lot of time before making a lifetime comitment. Unless you are head over heels like I was.
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03-02-2010, 05:28 PM	#3
Mogura Core Member [166%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 6,656	In relationships, INFJs seek a deep emotional connection. This is one of their greatest strengths, as well as one of their greatest weaknesses. Also, INFJs idealize how a relationship "should be", so they tend to generate a scenario in their heads (or hearts) where they are getting as much emotional feedback they are giving. Your NT is conflicting with his NF. You both need to meet somewhere in the middle. Throw him a bone. Give him the emotional feedback he is seeking. You don't have to plan a romantic weekend getaway in the Maldives, but send him a text now and then, saying that you're busy with this and that, and that you're thinking about him and you miss him. Cost: 3-5 minutes of your time. Benefit: Priceless (to an INFJ). Also, you need to sit down with him and calmly explain your situation. Explain that you are busy, etc., and explain that you're probably not as emotionally touchy-feely as he would like you to be. But tell him that just because you're not emotionally touchy-feely on his terms does not mean that you do not care about him nor your committment to him is any less. Ultimately, he needs to understand that "space" does not equal "I don't love you anymore". You may have to have these talks 2-3 times, but if he's a reasonable sort he should "get it". Hope it all works out...
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03-02-2010, 05:40 PM	#4
ArtistTyrant Banned MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 4,559	i see it as a communication thing, and as Mogura said, doing small things that could mean a lot to him, and talking to him about your relationship and how you care, etc., is important also, try hugging him more, is just a thought that popped into my head
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03-02-2010, 05:55 PM	#5
AnimalEssence New Member [01%] MBTI: ENTP Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 66	I've never had this problem with mine, but I'm not nearly as busy as you are. I'm also unsure of your guy's history, but if he's had failed relationships in the past, then its likely to make him a bit more paranoid than normal. Mine has never experienced heartbreak, somebody going back on "I love you", on that commitment, so he's pretty secure. I can only recall one time where he got suddenly paranoid and I don't remember why, but he at least came right out and said something and asked for reassurance instead of playing the "You're being distant/I'm giving you space" game. You might want to consider setting aside some time to spend together. Put it in your schedule that every week you'll spend some time on the phone, or go to lunch every sunday. Maybe try to get more involved in his life and make an effort to involve him more in yours. If you both have homework or a project to do, can you do it in the same room without being distracted? Little gestures will also go a long way, like the ones Mogura suggested...A simple text or email or something to say I miss you. Maybe you saw something or somebody said something that reminded you of him and made you smile...He would love nothing more than to hear about that.
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03-02-2010, 06:09 PM	#6
Crimson Crisp New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 22	Thanks for the responses. He has had failed relationships in the past, but he has ended most of them when he feels they're not right or not working. So, the general consensus is that I need to make more of an effort to reach out to him. I can do that. I think he's worth it so far, I'm just a little worn out with thinking everything's great only to find out I've hurt his feelings because he thinks I've ignored him. Mogura - you're an INFJ, riddle me this - why do you think he's not just telling me he wants to see me when he feels that way, rather than waiting around to see if I react on my own like he wants me to? I asked him and he said he doesn't want to put pressure on me...but I feel more pressure when I've unknowingly hurt someone I care about than if he'd just say "I'd like to see you today."
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03-02-2010, 06:33 PM	#8
Crimson Crisp New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 22	I completely agree with the give and take concept you mentioned. I've had other fairly successful relationships - they ended because they each ran their course in their own way. I guess I've just never encountered someone requiring so much emotional feedback. I will try to put forth more effort to reaffirm our relationship for him, it just doesn't come naturally to me. I'm kind of a "no news = good news" person. He doesn't seem to be insecure...he's phenomenally intelligent, has many of his own interests, friends, attractive, etc. So how often should I be reaffirming the relationship for the time being? Schedules work better for me, so maybe every couple of days make a point to bring it up??? And when I say schedules, I don't literally mean, every 3rd day at 2:58 p.m. I should mention how great he is and how happy I am. I just need a general idea of how often he might be happy to hear it out of me. Geez, all this sounds like things I should be asking him, but he acts like he wants me to just know this stuff so he gives vague answers or says something like, "Don't worry about it/me. You have enough going on." And then when I don't worry about it, it's a problem. Ah!! LOL I really don't mean to complain about him either - he's a great guy. Seriously.
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03-02-2010, 06:57 PM	#12
AnimalEssence New Member [01%] MBTI: ENTP Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 66	Haha oh I'm sure he is, INFJ's are great =) He's either insecure or just feeling neglected at times, its hard to tell. I tell my INFJ that I love him and reaffirm how much I care multiple times a day, often at random. So with us, its pretty constant. I think he would flip out a little at this point if I went to bed or left without saying I love you. But I do make it a point to remind him constantly how much he means to me and on my own initiative and he loves it. Its probably a lot more mushy than your INTJ self might be comfortable with XD But thats just how we are together. It keeps him happy and if he's happy and feeling secure, then I'm happy. It might just take you some time and practice to find a happy medium and get to a point where you are both comfortable. I do remember I had to specifically talk to him about texting. That if I don't reply right away, its ok, I'm not mad at you, I'm not trying to ignore you, I'm not upset, I probably either don't have my phone near me, or I'm driving or right in the middle of doing something and I can't reply. That was a bit hard for him at first because he automatically thought worst case scenario, but it did mellow out and he knows if I don't reply right away, it really is because I'm driving or doing something that prevents me from replying.
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03-02-2010, 06:59 PM	#13
Indubitably Member [33%] MBTI: INTP Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 1,352	Yeah, I've had this sort of thing become an issue too. I really liked the girl, but she wanted constant attention, it was like every moment we we spent together had to be 100% concentrated on interaction or she would become very upset. It got to the point where I couldn't stay over at her place because she couldn't handle me "ignoring" her to sleep, and would purposely keep me awake. Not all INFJs are this bad about it though, they like you to pay attention to them, and remind them that they are important to you, but its not usually something you need to do constantly unless they have some serious issues.
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03-02-2010, 07:49 PM	#16
AnimalEssence New Member [01%] MBTI: ENTP Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 66	I thought it might be a bit on the mushy side for ya XD But like I said, thats just how we are and the relationship is stable and we're both happy. We've both adapted to each other and have gotten "love languages" and needs all sorted out. What works for us may not work for you completely, so it might take some trial and error to figure out out, especially when INFJ's aren't always up front with their needs. I'm ENTP, you're INTJ, we're going to have some differences in how we handle and deal with the touchy feely sides of the relationship and of our INFJ mates. Have you ever taken the love languages quiz? If not, you can take it here: To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. And you could have him take it as well, or try to figure it out yourself. It might be helpful in bridging the communication gap and figuring out needs. So if he scores high in words of affirmation, then it would be beneficial for you to take more time to verbally express your love and care for him. Or if he scores high in quality time, then what will make him feel secure is some one on one time. I'm far from being a romantic, but its something I'm learning to appreciate. I've never gotten so many flowers in one year in my life LOL.
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03-02-2010, 08:34 PM	#17
Crimson Crisp New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 22	"Love language" is a brand new concept for me. Thanks. I'm definitely going to ask him to take the quiz, too. This thread has made me more confident about our relationship. I was really getting exasperated with him. He's phenomenal in every way, I just couldn't figure out how I'm continually hurting him when I'm doing nothing wrong (from my perspective). Hopefully I can avoid any more of him surprising me by asking if I want to break-up or unknowingly being given space because he assumes I want it. I have to say - we both laughed Monday night when I told him I seriously just thought he was busy last weekend. So at least he found it funny too. Although I don't think he thought it was nearly as funny as I did when he told me today that I have an "inability to be normal and share". I can't help myself sometimes - I found that hysterical. I'm laughing again now, just writing about it. Anyway...so I need to reach out to him more and he needs to chill out a little. Here's hoping its as simple in reality as it is to write it.
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03-03-2010, 06:28 PM	#18
aninfjgirl New Member [01%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 17	WOW... Several times a day?! I'm an INFJ and although I would absolutely love my INTJ to pay that much attention to me, I know he has a life outside of me. I think everyone is giving you great advice... Just be direct with him and let him know how you show affection. Also let him know that unless you flat out tell him you don't like him anymore, he has nothing to worry about. It took some getting used to when we first started dating (2 years ago) but now we know each other pretty well. I think it's because we talk openly about everything and there's no bullshit. Part of the reason is because he told me flat out when we started dating that he can't read "signals" and needs that from me. And if I have a bad day and feel like I need him to say something romantic, I let him know. I probably get one or two "reassuring" comments a week... plus him saying "i love you" whenever we say goodbye, and that works just fine for me. He never responds to my text messages, but that doesn't bother me either b/c I know how he works. I guess my point is, if you guys talk about things and you explain to him how you show you care (by being around him) and meet somewhere in the middle, you'll be fine. I think it will get easier for you. Oh, and if you ever tell him how you took the time to write to an online forum about all of this, you're golden. He'll see it as you going out of your way to understand him and make the relationship better. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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03-03-2010, 07:43 PM	#19
AnimalEssence New Member [01%] MBTI: ENTP Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 66	You guys make it seem like I'm spoiling him with affection XD Maybe I do, idk. I've never felt overwhelmed or exhausted from it. I guess being an extrovert I have a much higher threshold.
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03-03-2010, 11:04 PM	#20
Crimson Crisp New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 22	We JUST had the conversation AGAIN tonight that I operate like "no news = good news." If I don't say something is wrong then he should consider everything to be great, grand, wonderful. AGAIN tonight he had a minor freak out session because I didn't respond to his texts immediately showering him with love/affection/reassurance. I was in a 5-hour Genetics lecture and lab tonight - got home at 10 p.m. He started texting me the minute he knew I was getting out of class. I drove home, ate, let my dog out, yada, yada, yada...by the time I sit down to text him back he's asking if we should break up and he needs to just swear off women...WHOA. That's exactly what I texted back. WHOA. And then I called him and talked him down off the ledge, or rather let him freak out down off the ledge... He says its because he's conditioned by past relationships...well, I've had past relationships too but I'm not dumping any assumptions on him based on ex's. I am really trying to work through whatever is going on with him lately but I have a lot of pressure in my life right now from school. I have an 85-station zoology mid-term lab practical tomorrow, I'm working on a fruit fly mating lab for my genetics class (as well as probability lab project for the same class)...I'm just busy. I asked him tonight what he needs from me and he said nothing. WTF nothing? Nothing?! He said we just need to be able to communicate and talk through "these things." I honestly have no fcking idea what "these things" are and I told him that. He never clarified. He just said it was fine, blah, blah, blah...I'm starting to wonder how many times we're going to have to "talk through these things" though. I have a no bullsht policy for any relationship I'm in (platonic or romantic) and my patience is REALLY wearing thin with what seems to be (to me anyway) unnecessary drama. I need a beer.
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03-03-2010, 11:20 PM	#21
JohnDoe Core Member [128%] MBTI: xxxx Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 5,147	Is it too much just to text back can't talk right now, will later or something along those lines? If you like him, is this too much? He needs to chill out, but I think you need to get over your aversion to communicating in the moment. It almost seems like from the way you describe your communications that your boyfriend has to schedule an appointment just to communicate with you, and this is also "not good." If someone I was dating consistently blew off my texts and only replied when they found a timeblock in their schedule, I'd very quickly start wondering exactly how important I was to them that they couldn't find time to tap out a few words on a keyboard. And you had time, and he almost certainly knows you had the time. I give random acquaintances better communication responses then you do your boyfriend. I mean, I'm a workaholic too, but you need to learn how to be a workaholic and have a little work/life balance. The world will not end if you send a single text message.
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03-03-2010, 11:31 PM	#22
Crimson Crisp New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 22	JohnDoe - you have a very valid point. The thing is, I do respond. He texted me all day while I was studying and I replied all day. When I say he texted all day, I mean he literally sent me around 100 texts today. Tonight after class from the time he first texted me to when I texted him back about 30 minutes had passed. I fully admit that I am not a big communicator. I hate talking on the phone and I actually prefer texting because I find it much easier for reasons such as, I am busy and don't always have time for a phone conversation. But someone can text me and I can get back to them when I have a minute. I'm trying to be understanding of his needs but I'm really having trouble figuring it all out right now. He seems all over the place. I ask him a direct question and he responds with a non-answer and then gets upset the next day about I don't know what because he won't just say it... I'm open to any and all criticism and suggestions for improvement. Really.
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03-03-2010, 11:50 PM	#24
Crimson Crisp New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 22	LOL - A stream of conscious answer. Yes. I have witnessed this often with him on other subjects. Thanks for the insight. I'll just push him a little more for specifics when he tries to give me another non-answer like, "It's fine" when he has clearly made an issue of something.
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